“I’m the boss of me!”

“I’m the boss of me!”

by | Jan 3, 2023 | All, Coaching by Renaye Thornborrow, Self Esteem & Self Confidence | 0 comments

Have you ever heard your child say these words?  I bet you have…and probably with an attitude mixed in! These words can trigger a power struggle in many families as parents’ automatic first thought is often, “Oh no you’re not!”

But what if your answer was….

“You’re right!  You are the boss of you.”

BAM

No power struggle …

…and a huge teachable moment!

All people like to feel powerful and in control – even kids. Children often feel like victims in their lives because they see grownups as having all of the power – their parents tell them what to do; their teachers tell them what to do; their coaches tell them what to do. Teaching your kids how to be the boss of themselves enables them to step into their power, enhance their self-esteem, and build self-confidence. Here are just a couple of tips to share with your kids about being their own boss.
  1. First, being the boss doesn’t mean being bossy.
Being the boss means they get to choose how they treat others — do they want to treat others with kindness and respect or do they want to be rude and disrespectful?  Their choice will directly impact the relationship they have with other people. Here’s a tip…. If your kids want something, teach them to ask a question or make a request instead of making a demand or using backtalk.  Learning to effectively use questions enables kids to feel empowered in their lives.
  1. Second, being the boss doesn’t mean they get to break the rules.
Being the boss means they get to choose their actions. Teach your kids that rules are part of life – there are societal rules, school rules, and family rules to follow.  If they don’t agree with the rule, they have three possible responses:
  • First, they can “be the boss” and decide to follow the rule on their own. This decision enables them to stand in their power because they proactively make the decision to comply versus being forced/told/punished into complying.
  • Second, they can “be the boss” and break the rule. This decision enables them to be in charge; however, being the boss also means they must be willing to take responsibility for the consequence of breaking the rule.
  • Third, they can “be the boss” and ask for something different. Sometimes rules can be bent or changed…teaching children to ask for something different teaches them to stand in their power instead of rebelling against a rule or feeling like they have to comply against their will.
As “the boss”, they get to choose which action they take. So next time you hear your son or daughter say, “I’m the boss of me”…surprise them by saying, “YES YOU ARE!” Do you have power struggles with your child? The program, Adventures in Wisdom™ teaches children how to be leaders of their own lives. It targets your child’s thinking, turning their “victim” mindset into “victor,” and they will see themselves as “the boss of me!” This five-week program will help them step into their power, enhance self-esteem, and build confidence.   To learn more contact me at reply@authorlisaphillips.net or Click Here to schedule a call with me. Taking responsibility enables them to stand in their power versus feeling like a victim.   Copyright © 2011 Renaye Thornborrow, AdventuresinWisdom.com. All rights reserved.  Reprinted with permission from Renaye Thornborrow.
How to talk with your kids about grades

How to talk with your kids about grades

by | Dec 1, 2022 | All, Coaching by Renaye Thornborrow, Mental Well-being | 0 comments

School is in session and that means…GRADES!

Whether your kids tend to earn A’s, B’s, C’s, or F’s, kids often define “who they are” based on the grades they receive.

 “I’m an A-student”

“I’m not very smart”

“I’m an average student”

Unfortunately, when kids label themselves based on grades, it can have a negative impact on their self-esteem – even for “A-students”.  Why?  Because if they bring home an A they feel great about themselves….If they bring home a C they get down on themselves.  This creates the yo-yo self esteem that we’ve talked about in earlier articles.

So how can you talk with your kids about grades so that their self-esteem doesn’t rise and fall based on their grade point average?

The key is to talk about grades as feedback.

Feedback is just a result that occurs based on an action that was taken – it is a measure of how well they learned the material.  Grades don’t mean that they are “smart” or “dumb”…”good” or “bad” – it just means they either learned what they needed to know or they didn’t.

When kids learn to interpret grades as feedback and not “who they are”, it enables them to deal with both good grades and bad grades without impacting their self-esteem.

So how might this work?

Say your child brings home an A.  Instead of saying something like, “You’re so smart.  You’re an ‘A-student’!”  You could say, “Wow – you made some great grades.  Looks like you really learned the material.”

Do you see how the first comment “labels” the child whereas the second comment is objective feedback on the child’s work?

What if you child brings home a “C”?  This is a great time to say something like, “Doesn’t look like you learned the material that you needed to know for this test.  Let’s put together a plan to make sure you learn what you need to know to move forward….Otherwise you may fall behind and future tests will be even more difficult.”

Do you see how this approach tackles the low grade as a problem to be solved? This enables the child to focus on improving the grade versus feeling bad about himself for making a poor grade.

This approach works great for homework as well.  Decide with your child what grade represents solid knowledge of the material – is it 80%, 85%, 90%, 95%?  Once you come to an agreement, let the child know that any paper that receives a grade below the threshold will need to be reworked to ensure that he understands the material well enough to move forward in class.  When you take this approach, redoing the work isn’t punishment; it’s striving for learning and excellence.

The most important takeaway is to work with your kids to see grades as feedback – not as a reflection of who they are or of how smart they are.  When kids learn to see grades as feedback of their effort instead of as a “label”, they are able to separate how they feel about themselves (their self-esteem) from the grade.

Have a great school year!

 

If your child is struggling with limited thinking, believing his or her poor grades mean he or she isn’t smart? Does your child label herself as “dumb” or tells herself she’ll never get a B or even an A on homework? It isn’t that she can’t master the material, the trouble is her mindset. Low self-esteem can also play a role. If you’d like to learn more about how I can help your child improve her self-esteem and learn to separate how she feels about herself from her grades, email me at: reply@authorlisaphillips.net. 

I am a certified life coach for children through the “Adventures in Wisdom,” program, a proven system to help children overcome challenges in order to bring significance and success into their lives.

 

 

Copyright © 2011 Renaye Thornborrow, AdventuresinWisdom.com. All rights reserved. 

Reprinted with permission from Renaye Thornborrow.

What Type of Grownup Do You Want Your Child to Become?

What Type of Grownup Do You Want Your Child to Become?

by | Oct 18, 2022 | All, Coaching by Renaye Thornborrow, Goal Setting & Decision Making | 0 comments

I was asked this question several years ago and it was a very powerful question for me so I wanted to share it with you.
Like you, I was already an engaged and connected parent; however, taking a few minutes to actually write down my vision for my kids enabled me to see areas where I was spending a lot of time and areas where I wanted to focus more.
Although we can’t guarantee how our kids will “turn out”, every interaction we have with them does shape their lives – especially when they are young and their core thoughts and belief systems are being formed.
I would like to invite you to spend about 10 minutes today thinking about this question and creating a vision for your parenting if you don’t already have one. As part of the exercise, you may want to use the “Balance Wheel”.  The Balance Wheel is a coaching tool that is used to assess various areas of your life for balance – emotional, social/community, spiritual, occupational/school/financial, mental, physical, family, and recreational. Depending on your children’s ages you may even want to share your vision with them —  sharing your vision can help them understand why you make the decisions you make (such as why you don’t buy them a toy every time you take them to the grocery store, why they have household responsibilities, or why you don’t serve cookies for dinner). Have fun with this exercise. P.S.  Invite your spouse to go through the exercise as well.  You may be surprised!   If your child is struggling with limited thinking, staying positive, lacking in self-confidence, fearful of trying something new, or something else, and you would like to learn more about how life coaching for children can help your child, email me at reply@authorlisaphillips.net.  Or Click Here to schedule a free consultation call. I am a certified life coach for children through the Adventures in WisdomTM program, a proven system to help children overcome challenges in order to bring significance and success into their lives.   Copyright © 2011 Renaye Thornborrow, AdventuresinWisdom.com. All rights reserved.  Reprinted with permission from Renaye Thornborrow.
Does Your Child Have Yo Yo Self-Esteem Part 2

Does Your Child Have Yo Yo Self-Esteem Part 2

by | Oct 14, 2022 | All, Coaching by Renaye Thornborrow, Self Esteem & Self Confidence | 0 comments

In the last article we asked the question, does your child have yo-yo self-esteem?  Recall that Yo-yo self-esteem occurs when children’s self esteem rises and falls with the ups and downs of their lives (i.e. how they did in school, played in their soccer game, etc.). We talked about how important it is for children to base their self-esteem on who they are and not on what is happening outside of them so that their self-esteem remains intact no matter what is going on in their lives. Today we’ll learn three additional tips for supporting your kids in developing solid self-esteem that doesn’t rise and fall with the ups and downs of life:
  • The fourth tip is to encourage your kids to identify and honor their own uniqueness. We are all unique in our own special way.  Have your kids brainstorm what they love about themselves – from their values, to their character, to their gifts and talents.  Have them make an “I love me!” poster which illustrates what they love about themselves.   When kids focus on what they love about themselves, their self-esteem will soar.
  • Fifth, talk with them about the power of positive self-talk. What they say to themselves is more important than what anyone else says to them. When kids learn to talk to themselves with love, compassion, and support, their self-esteem will soar.
  • Finally, teach your children how to handle the “downs” in life. Teach them how to manage mistakes and failure so that they don’t define themselves by these events.  Teach them how to manage fear so that fear doesn’t keep them from their dreams. Teach them how to manage change so they feel powerful in their lives and see themselves as capable and worthy.
Learning to handle the “downs” in life as events, not only enhances self-esteem, but also leads to powerful self-confidence as kids learn that they can handle anything that comes their way. As we mentioned in the last article no matter how much we love our kids or how much time we spend with them, we can’t give them self-esteem, but what we can do is help them develop it in themselves. Start this week by sharing the six tips from these two articles.   If you’re ready to help your child bust out of his or her struggle with low self-esteem, Click Here for a complimentary consultation call and we’ll map out a plan for building positive self-esteem that will move your child forwards to reach his/her goals. You can also send me an email to reply@authorlisaphillips.net   Coach Lisa is a certified WISDOMTM and expert in helping kids develop vital life skills that are a necessary part of their lives to succeed in the future.   Copyright © 2011 Renaye Thornborrow, AdventuresinWisdom.com. All rights reserved.  Reprinted with permission from Renaye Thornborrow.
Does Your Child Have Yo-Yo Self-Esteem?

Does Your Child Have Yo-Yo Self-Esteem?

by | Sep 16, 2022 | All, Coaching by Renaye Thornborrow, Self Esteem & Self Confidence | 0 comments

Does your child’s self-esteem rise and fall with the grades she makes? Does your child’s self-esteem rise and fall depending on who played with him at school that day? Does your child’s self-esteem crumble if he makes a mistake? If so, then your child is suffering from yo-yo self-esteem — self-esteem that rises and falls with the ups and downs of life. How kids feel about themselves often depends on what is going on in their life – what is going on outside of them. However, powerful self-esteem isn’t based on what is going on outside of you (what is happening in your life).   Powerful self-esteem is based on what is going on inside of you — who you are and how you think about yourself. When kids base their self-esteem on “who they are” then their self-esteem can remain intact no matter what is going on in their lives. So if your children have yo-yo self-esteem, how do you help them shift from external focus to internal focus? Here are the first three of six tips for helping your kids develop solid self-esteem that doesn’t rise and fall with the ups and downs of life:  
  1. First talk with them about what self-esteem is. Teach them that self-esteem is based on who they are, not what they do.
 
  1. Second, teach them how to separate the results of an event from who they are. For example, if they fail a test, that is just an event – something that happened.  Just because they failed a test, doesn’t mean they are a failure.  It just means they didn’t learn the material well enough to get the right answers on the majority of the questions – that’s it.  Let your kids know that it’s OK to feel down; however, there is a difference between feeling down about a bad grade and feeling down on yourself because of a bad grade.  Help your children understand this distinction and their self-esteem will flourish.
 
  1. Third, teach them about the dangers of comparison. When kids compare themselves to others – seeing themselves as “better than” or “less than” another, they are looking externally to determine how to feel about themselves.  This sets them up for yo-yo self-esteem because they will feel good about themselves whenever they see themselves as “better than” another and they will feel bad about themselves every time they see themselves as “less than” another.  This not only devastates self-esteem, but also creates jealousy, resentment, and a belief system of “not good enough”.
  Unfortunately self-esteem isn’t something you can give your kids; however, it is something you can teach them to develop in themselves. Start today by sharing these first three tips with them.  In the next article we will cover the last three tips.   If you’re ready to help your child bust out of her struggle with low self-esteem, Click Here for a complimentary consultation and we’ll map out a plan for building positive self-esteem that will move her towards higher self-confidence to reach her goals. You can also email me at reply@authorlisaphillips.net. Coach Lisa is a certified WISDOM Coach™ and expert in helping kids develop vital life skills that are necessary to succeed in their futures.   Copyright © 2011 Renaye Thornborrow, AdventuresinWisdom.com. All rights reserved.  Reprinted with permission from Renaye Thornborrow.
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