People-pleasing is a common behavior that many of us have engaged in. It can be satisfying to make others happy and to be seen as helpful and accommodating. However, there is a dark side to people-pleasing that often goes unnoticed. In reality, people-pleasing can become a dangerous habit that can negatively affect your mental health.

The constant need to please others and fear of rejection can cause stress, anxiety, and even depression. People-pleasers often struggle with boundaries and find it difficult to say no, which can lead to burnout and a sense of overwhelm.

In this article, we will explore the negative impact of people-pleasing on mental health and provide practical tips for breaking the cycle and reclaiming your own needs and desires without alienating friends and family.

So… if you’re a people-pleaser or know someone who is, keep reading to discover how this behavior can be detrimental to your well-being.

The Problem with People-Pleasing

People-pleasing is a behavioral pattern that involves going out of your way to accommodate others, even if it means compromising your own needs and preferences. For example, let’s say you are with a group of friends and they all want to go to a certain restaurant, but you don’t because that restaurant doesn’t offer the kind of food that you can eat, such as fish, and you your tummy can’t  tolerate pasta and all those carbs!  But instead of speaking up, you go along because you don’t want to “put anyone out or come across as demanding.” So, you go to the restaurant your friends suggested and you compromise by ordering a salad.

This may be an extreme case, because hopefully these four friends know each well enough to suggest a restaurant the one friend with the dietary restriction can dine at. But, maybe you’re an out of town guest, and the family you’re visiting doesn’t know this about your diet. In my own life, I have seen my own problem with people-pleasing occur with people with strong or difficult personalities, like a boss.

While it may seem harmless at first, over time a people-pleasing habit can become problematic. When it negatively impacts your mental health, it’s a problem. The primary issue with people-pleasing is that it is often rooted in a fear of rejection or disapproval.

And it can lead to a lack of self-care.

It isn’t unusual for the habit of people-pleasing to go unnoticed. Many people are not aware that they are engaging in this behavior until it becomes a habit. People-pleasers tend to feel a sense of obligation to others and may even feel guilty if they don’t go out of their way to help or accommodate others. This can be particularly troubling between friends, in which one gives more than the other and after some time, the Giver realizes she is doing all the compromising.

People-Pleasing, if not corrected,  can become a vicious cycle constantly seeking validation and approval from others, which can lead to feelings of anxiety and stress. It can also lead to burnout, overwhelm, and a lack of fulfillment in life. Below are the signs and symptoms of People-Pleasing.

Signs and Symptoms of People-Pleasing

The signs and symptoms of people-pleasing can vary from person to person. However, there are a few common indicators that may suggest that you are engaging in this behavior. These include:

– Difficulty saying “no” to others

– Feeling guilty when you don’t go out of your way to help or accommodate others

– Constantly seeking validation and approval from others

– Putting others’ needs and preferences ahead of your own (keep in mind that at times we   all must prioritize (or adjust) to accommodate other’s needs in times of urgency, emergency or it’s obvious  we should accommodate, for example, going to our senior parent’s favorite restaurant because after all, it’s honoring him or her.

– Feeling stressed or anxious when you can’t please everyone

– Struggling to establish boundaries in relationships (again, sometimes we need to adjust our schedules in times of need in our family. Be wary of being overly ridged. That gets old too.

– Feeling a sense of obligation to others

– Clearly communicate your needs and desires to others

– Avoid overcommitting yourself (tell people that you’ll need to check with your family’s schedule and your spouse before committing. )

– Take time for self-care and prioritize your own well-being

– Surround yourself with supportive individuals who respect your boundaries

By setting clear boundaries, you can break the cycle of people-pleasing and prioritize your own needs and desires with some room for negotiating when needed.

Seeking Professional Help

If you are struggling with people-pleasing behavior and it is negatively impacting your mental health and well-being, it may be helpful to seek professional help. A mental health professional can provide support and guidance as you work to break the cycle of people-pleasing and establish healthy relationships.

Some types of therapy that may be helpful for people-pleasers include:

– Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT)

– Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT)

– Interpersonal therapy (IPT)

A mental health professional can work with you to identify the root cause of your people-pleasing behavior and provide practical tools and strategies for breaking the cycle.

Conclusion

People-pleasing can be a harmful behavior that negatively impacts your mental health and well-being. The constant need to please others and fear of rejection can cause stress, anxiety, and even depression. People-pleasers often struggle with boundaries and find it difficult to say no, which can lead to burnout and a sense of overwhelm.

It’s essential to be aware of the signs and symptoms of people-pleasing and take steps to break the cycle.

Establishing clear boundaries, practicing self-care, and seeking professional help if necessary can all be helpful in overcoming people-pleasing habits and prioritizing your own needs and desires.

Remember, setting boundaries is an act of self-care. By establishing clear limits, you are prioritizing your own needs and desires and creating a healthy foundation for your relationships, but leaving room to adjust when necessary.

For more reading on how to establish boundaries, understand the root causes of people-pleasing these two books are excellent.

1. Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

2. Changes That Healby Dr. Henry Cloud