If you’ve watch the television show, “America’s Got Talent,” you’ve likely seen a few contestants perform magic shows. And we all know magic shows are about illusion. Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary defines illusion as, “the action of deceiving…perception of something objectively existing in such a way as to cause misinterpretation of its actual nature.”  For adults, we recognize the purpose of the magic show – to entertain, but that definition also fits something called “gaslighting,” and in the context of parent-child relationships, this tactic has a malicious intent.

The act of gaslighting is also about control through illusion. A parent engages in gaslighting to manipulate or control a child with presenting false impressions in order to mislead a child to question his or her memory, experiences, perceptions, feelings, judgment, beliefs, or even their sanity. And it’s very dangerous.

The term “gaslighting” originates from a 1938 play titled Gas Light.¹  It’s a story about a wife who believes she is losing her mind due to her husband’s tactic of subtly dimming the gas lights in their home and then denying any change took place when his wife noticed it.²  He misleads her to believe that she is only imagining it. Eventually, she starts to doubt her own perceptions.³ And why does he do it? He wants her inheritance.

Gaslighting is a tool used to manipulate or undermine a child’s sense of reality. Parents who engage in this covert form of emotional abuse can include lying, minimizing, denying, and blaming, in attempt to influence and deceive a child to perceive something as different than its actual state of being. The parent is creating an illusion to deceive a child into questioning his or her own sense of reality.

In my book, Written Off, the subject of gaslighting comes up. Back in the late 1970’s and 80’s when my story of parental rejection began, gaslighting wasn’t even a term yet within the context of emotional abuse.  We now know that gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. It’s a subtle attack, and it’s more about what an abusive parent does than what they say, although abusive language can be an aspect of the tactic, the intent of gaslighting is to manipulate and control a child’s sense of understanding of their reality – about people and circumstances in their lives. In my memoir, it was primarily used to undermine my relationships with my father and grandmother, and to erode aspects of my identity to make me question and doubt my understanding of the people I trusted. Gaslighting can also take place between married couples or couples in romantic relationships. Power and control is the basis for gaslighting.

What are the signs of gaslighting? This isn’t a comprehensive list, but ask yourself if any of the following statements were true for you. As a child or adolescent:

• You were made to question your judgment and feared speaking up because if you shared your opinion or perceptions, a parent denied them, or they will deny things they’ve said, even if there’s evidence to the contrary.⁴
• You feel as though you’re walking on eggshells. You can never relax in their presence. You feel vulnerable and insecure. You felt anxious about how they would react.
• You questioned your own identity. You heard words such as “you’ll never amount to anything,” “you’re not smart enough, or good enough.” They used words that minimized your worth and made you feel you couldn’t go after your dreams or do what it takes to become an engineer, nurse, pharmacist, teacher, surgeon, etc.
• They told you that “you don’t live in reality,” in order to make you mistrust your own perception of events and your abilities. And you look to others to confirm your perceptions, views, or observations, rather than trusting and standing firm in your own.
• One or both parents used blaming. You were accused of having ulterior motives or they shifted the blame from themselves and assign blame onto you for causing XYZ to happen.
• Facts or events are twisted to fit their account of what took place, convincing you that what you remember or perceived is wrong.
• Affection between you and a parent(s) was withheld as a tool for control until you became compliant to their narrative or wishes.
• Parents who engage in gaslighting typically also engage in harsh criticism, name-calling and insults. They criticized your decisions, preferences, your thinking (reasoning), beliefs, which further eroded your self-esteem and self-confidence causing you to doubt your capabilities. This type of assault on a child or adolescent is done to make the child become more dependent on their validation or approval.
• You didn’t speak up about your preferences, even simple things like sharing if you’d rather eat at a different restaurant…you conceded or accommodated other’s preferences to stay compliant.

If you experienced gaslighting from a toxic and controlling parent, remember that you were not to blame. The parent(s) is responsible for their actions because they knew what they were doing.

As a child or if you were an adolescent, still struggling with the wounds from gaslighting, there was nothing you did to cause your parent to behave in this way.

When I learned about gaslighting, it was a relief, freeing me from questioning how I thought, the perceptions, beliefs and views I held, and that those I trusted really were people who I could count on, despite the illusions my mother tried to manipulate me with.

If you suspect gaslighting was a part of your past, counseling can also help, especially if unresolved trauma is still present. You’ll gain understanding of your family system, gain perspective, set boundaries, especially if your toxic parent is still alive, and help develop strategies to deal with their behavior.

Because of a family emergency, I am targeting by summer’s end to be finished with my memoir, Written Off.

Thank you for your continued interest in my writing project.

Blessings for a healthy 2024,

Lisa

The bond between a mother and daughter is often considered to be one of the most complex and multifaceted relationships. There are four primary types of mother-daughter relationships, each with their distinct characteristics and dynamics. Understanding these different types of relationship can help you gain insight into your own relationship with your mother or daughter, as well as facilitate healing and growth in challenging relationships.

The Intimate Best Friends Relationship.

The Intimate Best Friends Relationship between mothers and daughters is characterized by a close and deep bond between the two. In this type of relationship, mothers and daughters behave more like best friends than parent and child. They share secrets, confide in one another, and enjoy spending time together. While an Intimate Best Friends Relationship can be fulfilling, it can also become complicated if boundaries are not established. For example, mothers may overstep their bounds by expecting their daughters to rely too heavily on them emotionally, or daughters may struggle to establish independence outside of the mother-daughter dyad. Successful relationships of this type often include healthy communication and mutual respect for each other’s individual needs and boundaries.

The Conflicted Betrayal Relationship.

The Conflicted Betrayal Relationship between mothers and daughters is characterized by a strained and tumultuous dynamic between the two. This type of relationship often involves high levels of conflict, tension, and resentment on both sides. Daughters may feel that their mother doesn’t understand or support them, while mothers may feel hurt or betrayed by their daughter’s choices or actions. This can lead to a breakdown in communication, lack of trust, and feelings of abandonment or rejection. If not properly addressed, this type of relationship can have negative long-term effects on a person’s mental and emotional well-being. Seeking therapy or counseling as a family can help address underlying issues and promote healing and forgiveness.

The Cautious Detachment Relationship.

The Cautious Detachment Relationship between mothers and daughters is characterized by a distance or emotional disconnect between the two. This type of relationship may occur when mothers have a hard time expressing their emotions or showing affection, leading daughters to feel neglected or unimportant. Daughters in this type of relationship may become emotionally unavailable when attempting to communicate with their mother, leading to feelings of loneliness and detachment. This dynamic can work in reverse also. Daughters may erect boundaries that are too restrictive, only sharing limited information, in order to over-control the relationship, causing the mother to feel undervalued and neglected. It’s important for both parties to recognize the need for open communication and work towards building a stronger emotional connection. This may involve seeking therapy or counseling and actively working towards improving communication and understanding between each other.

The Oblivious But Happy Relationship.

In an Oblivious But Happy Relationship between mothers and daughters, both parties have a positive relationship but may not be fully aware of each other’s emotional needs. This could occur when the daughter is independent and doesn’t rely as much on her mother for support or when the mother assumes that everything is going well without actively checking in with her daughter. While this type of relationship may seem harmless, it’s important for both parties to regularly communicate and ensure that their emotional needs are being met. Lack of emotional connection can lead to feelings of isolation and disconnection in the long run. Encouraging open communication about thoughts and feelings can greatly improve this type of relationship.

The Best Friends

In a Best Friends mother-daughter relationship, the two parties share a close and intimate bond as friends. They confide in each other, support each other’s goals, and have a very open line of communication. This type of relationship can be positive if boundaries are established between daughter and mother roles. However, it can also lead to challenges when the daughter feels more like a friend than a child, or when the mother relies too heavily on her daughter for emotional support. It’s important to maintain a healthy balance between friendship and hierarchy in this kind of relationship to avoid any negative effects on mental health or family dynamics.