Overcoming fear of failure can be challenging, but it’s possible. One way to move past fear of failure is to reframe your perspective on the situation and accept that failure doesn’t necessarily mean the end—it could actually present new opportunities for you to learn and grow.  

When I was about to start the student-teaching portion of my college degree program, in which a senior teacher would be critiquing me, I became paralyzed with a fear of failure. When Your Dream Takes A Detour. I didn’t have a strong identity nor much self-esteem or self-confidence at the time. I saw this person who’d be judging my performance, including my interaction with children in the classroom, as a person who’d fail me, so I failed myself first before he or she had a chance to do it – all because I feared being rejected as a possible teacher. In reality, this person would be giving me constructive feedback for my success as a teacher. Instead, I focused on being criticized and perceived myself as not being good enough to “pass the test.” This was a completely wrong approach. I looked at my walking away from teaching as a failure. And I carried that failure with me for years. Along with regret.

Years later, I had grown in my identity and self-confidence, yet I was still troubled at walking away from the teaching program. I went on a spiritual journey and discovered parental emotional abuse triggered a fear of failure response in certain situations. I read books by Susan Forward, Ph.D. and Drs. Cloud and Townsend, that offered great break-throughs. From there, I chose to reframe this event. Instead of focusing on the failure aspect, which just depressed me, I chose to reframe that experience as a one-time event when I was young, inexperienced, and with a poorly formed identity. I also decided to look at this event as a growth opportunity. Yes, I failed. I caved into a fear of failure, but I would go on to learn why I failed and worked on those areas so it wouldn’t derail me from my goals again later. I have since used my teaching abilities in other settings like preschool teaching and leading a women’s ministry, that included instruction. If a fear of failure is a struggle your child needs help with, here are five practical tips to help your child:

Help Your Child Reflect on Their Past Experiences with Failure

Spend some time discussing with your child their past experiences with failure to help him or her to put things in perspective. Ask them how important the decision is that they’re about to make, and ask your child to think about times in their life when speaking up or taking risks had paid off in the past. This shows that they can do the same again, despite their current fear. Identifying times where it was okay not to be perfect can help your son or daughter to gain the confidence needed to overcome fear of failure.

Reframe Their Failure as an Opportunity to Grow

Acknowledge that failure can offer an opportunity to expand and advance their knowledge, skills, and abilities, by reflecting on the experience and learning from them. Consider why things didn’t go as planned and what they can do differently in the future. Reframing failure as an opportunity to increase personal growth will help them develop an appreciation for the experience.

Set Manageable Goals and Celebrate Even Small Wins

When reaching for bigger goals it is important to tell your child to break them down into smaller, manageable goals that they can complete and feel accomplished. Celebrating each small win will help to boost their self-confidence and remind them of how far they’ve come. Celebrate the effort instead of the outcome. That way, even if they don’t reach the goal, they will appreciate all of the hard work that went into it.

Seek Support from Friends and Family

For children, overcoming a fear of failure shouldn’t be done alone. It’s important your child leans on family for support. Encourage your child to open up about how they feel, and ask for help when needed. Having a close network of trusted people can help to remind them that the fear of failure is only a feeling – not an accurate predictor of their future successes or ability to reach goals.

Next Steps

Do you have a child struggling with a fear of failure? Does your daughter want to try-out for a sport or for a part in a school play, or something else, but has a weak self-esteem or low self-confidence? Or, A Fear of Failure? Self-esteem says, “I believe in Me!” and Self-Confidence says, “I believe I Can!” There’s a difference.

In the Adventures in Wisdom ™ program, I coach kids from ages 6-13 on how to bust through fears that hold them back, keeping them stuck and discouraged. This is a program I wished I had growing up! Check out the real testimonials from actual parents in the homepage, or read my own “fear of failure” story. I’d like to be that person who helps your child reach their true potential – get unstuck and be free of that burden of fear.

If you’d like to chat, send me an email to reply@authorlisaphillips.net with your questions, and I’ll reply, or schedule a call here. Either way, let’s discuss how we can get your son or daughter beyond that fear and feeling better about their potential.  

“I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert…there I will give her back her vineyards.”

-Hosea 2:14-15

We don’t normally think of finding vineyards in a desert – a place that symbolizes hardship, pain, and loneliness. In Hebrew, there’s a word that means trouble. It’s called “Achor.” It represents a literal place where a man by the name of Achan had disobeyed God. Following the battle with the city of Ai, in which Joshua won the battle, Achan wrongly took some of the spoil from the battle and buried it under his tent. Because of his disobedience, trouble, loss, and pain came upon himself and his nation. In the aftermath, a monument was erected as a reminder of Achan’s disobedience and it’s cost to the people.

We may find ourselves in a modern-day Valley of Achor either by our own sin, a personal failure, a setback, a bad choice, or disobedience, or we come into it due to someone else’s sin. For most of us, it may seem like the last place we’d want to be, but God sees the desert experience differently. If willing, He has something “good” for us to learn and take from there. Whether we’ve lost hope, lost our way, feel totally alone, or we’ve finally surrendered our rebellious will, it is then that the Lord may lead us into the Valley of Achor.

I found myself in the Valley of Achor some years ago. As I pressed into the Lord with a desperation I had never experienced before, I felt detached from the everyday things of life. I felt closed off, as if there was an invisible wall around me, barricading me in with the Lord. It was uncomfortable at first. My heart literally ached. But as time passed, I sensed God did this for my good. That metaphorical wall was God drawing close to me, subduing me with His love and overshadowing me with His comfort. Essentially, He was preparing my heart. Praying intensely for nearly a year, and expelling every last drop of hope, hearts didn’t change, but my faith did. I learned to allow God to fill the void left by those who wounded my soul. While in the Valley of Achor, I turned a corner in my walk with the Lord. His desire was to be my Tower of Trust and Refuge, rather than seeking love and acceptance from those who meant only harm. To do that, God had to remove people from my life. Nightly, I dug deep into His Word. In return, He poured his strength into me and the courage to let go and move on, putting my expectancy and hope in Him for my future. Those months of testing developed new qualities in me to be used for His purposes later.

So why does the Lord allure us into the desert? Because on the other side of the Valley of Achor, is the “door of hope.”  We may see our circumstances as the actual wilderness, but the Valley of Achor is really the struggle going on inside us. His desire is to produce something within us – to take with us into the world for His purposes. If God allures us into Achor, then He has something in store for us that is “good.” We have a loving and merciful God. We never know what hidden streams await us, and if we don’t resist the valley of trouble, and allow Him to draw us deep into His presence, He’ll bring us to the “door of hope.” And He’ll restore our vineyards.